DO YOU fight in front of your children? I know a young couple who fought in front of their newborn every night. The young mother told me her baby cried every time they argued. She asked whether their tumultuous relationship would affect their baby.
Some experts say that fighting in front of the children is good for them to learn how to work out their problems. I would agree with them if most couples fight by talking things through and respectfully communicating their differences in opinion. In reality, many couples fight like cats and dogs.
Most couples have agreed not to fight in front of the children. Instead they tend to stash their negative feelings only to release them at the most inappropriate time.
Family time is supposed to be moments of bonding and sharing, definitely not fighting. One family I know started their journey for a day trip at 9am. Everyone had smiles on their faces, excited about this long-awaited family outing.
At 11.30am, they got home with tears in their eyes. The couple fought hard over an issue and the children cried. They never made it to their holiday destination.
Children are sensitive to their parents’ personal problems. They know when things are not right. They may not know exactly what the trouble is. They get upset and confused when they witness their parents fight with one another.
My daughter confronted me one evening over her fears. Her close friends have talked to her about their parents’ crumbling marriage and the aftermath of divorce. She was very concerned about them.
She asked me whether her father and I would ever get a divorce. I reassured her that we were committed to making our marriage work. Then she told me that she did not like it when she hears our disagreements.
Children are afraid of losing their parents. When they see them fight, they are afraid that this will happen. Walking out on your husband or your wife will not affect your spouse as much as it will hurt your children.
It is inevitable that there will be conflicts in families. I remember when the children were only babies and toddlers, we disagreed over many things. Some were serious, while others were trivial.
Our disagreements did not last long. They became part of the lessons we were learning about being parents and a married couple.
As we learn to get along as a family, we manage to prevent many conflicts that can crop up. We accepted the differences among family members. In all our fights, we must acknowledge our love for one another. This way our fights will not last too long nor hurt too much.
It helps the family to deal with problems when everyone agrees to disagree. Work out your differences so that you can find the reasons for your conflicts. When talking face-to-face is difficult, try writing your thoughts down. Send sms or e-mail one another.
When children fight, parents often remind them that they should not blame one another and say: “It’s her/his fault!” In your adult fights, you should stay clear of the same thing and avoid using works like “always” and “never”.
Instead, use more positive phrases like, “Let’s make this work” or “We need to listen”. Children observing their parents will also do the same when they interact with one another.
When parents fight, children should never be involved. Avoid mentioning their names or using them as excuses. Many children have heard their parents say in anger: “If I knew raising children was so difficult, I would not have had them at all.”
They may know you do not mean what you say in anger. But they can still feel hurt and wonder if they are such a burden to their parents. Children need to know they are wanted and loved unconditionally. It is also their right to belong.
Children know that parents have different opinions. Yet, they fare better in their behaviour and learning, knowing that their parents stand united when it comes to child-rearing issues.
When the disagreements are over, parents need to sit down with their children to reaffirm their love for one another. This way, children are reassured and will not worry about losing their parents.
Children listen to what their parents say to one another. They like to use the same words they hear from their parents’ mouths. You may not realise how quickly children absorb negative words.
Choose your words carefully when you are in front of the children.
In daycare centres, the caregivers and teachers know exactly what mum said to dad at home when their children act out the “drama” on the domestic front. One four-year-old boy was heard saying: “My mummy says daddy is lazy. When I grow up, I want to be just like daddy.”
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