Being an effective single parent

If you over-compensate you end up with no parental authority. The child, knowing that he or she can get what they want, might end up manipulating you so they will get whatever they want.

Patrick says that although your family may seem like it's lacking because you are a single parent family or a family that is not in tact, that does not necessarily mean that your child is lacking anything. A complete family doesn't necessarily mean that both parents are good parents. You could be a single parent and still be a better parent than someone who still has their spouse.

“I think if single parents can take ownership of their emotions and emotional baggage, they can be effective single parents and don't have to be envious of the two-parent families. Every single parent can still be an equally effective parent if they know how to take ownership of their emotional baggage, not allow themselves to go on a guilt trip, to not over-compensate and always maintain their parental authority.

“Very important for two-parent families and especially important for single parents is the need to build relationships. You need to build healthy relationships with your children and when your child grows up, is ready and wants to know, then be open enough to explain to the child what happened. Share with your child, when he or she is ready. This is one of the best ways to build your relationship with him or her.

“When you explain a divorce or death, always remember to finish with an affirmative; something like 'You are with me and we will get through this together',” she says.

Explaining the facts

A lot of parents worry that if they start explaining a divorce to their child that the child will misunderstand.

However, Patrick clarifies that it is worse for a parent not to explain the situation and label their feelings.

“When child keeps seeing you cry, you can't deny it and say that you are okay. Even a child of three or four years knows that you are faking it if you say that.

“It takes very emotionally healthy people to be open with their feelings because our first defence mechanism is to go into denial, pretend that we're fine, thinking that we can take it all; but we can't. If a young child sees that you are sad, crying and in pain, then as a parent you can label your feelings, explaining that you are sad and sometimes you cry because you miss Daddy. This is how the child learns that when you're sad you cry. It's an excellent way to teach the child how to manage their emotions.

“It's better to teach the child how to label their feelings rather than tell them that it's wrong to be sad, or don't be sad,” she says.

Blame

Patrick points out that parents need to ensure their children do not blame themselves for a divorce. A lot of children automatically think it is their fault. This is where the parents need to explain to them that they had some problems and they want to find a solution and one of the solutions is that they will not be living together anymore.

Explain that it's all due to problems between the parents and it has nothing to do with the child. You will need to keep reassuring them many times. They also need to know that even though you don't live together anymore, you are still their parents.

Depending on their age, you might want to keep it very simple.

“I think the worst thing we can do is pretend in front of our children, thinking that they can be easily fooled. They are no fools. They are the most sensitive people and they can sense the dynamics in the family.

“If they are young, you want to keep the explanation simple. But if they are pre-teens I would advise parents to explain a little bit more because they are capable of reasoning and the more you keep from them, the more they rebel because they want to know why are they kept in the dark and what are you hiding from them.

“And if you and your spouse split up because of an affair, try your best to keep your emotions out of it but explain that your spouse has found another girlfriend or boyfriend. If you want to protect your teenage child from the truth, then my question is 'Do you think your teenage child doesn't know?' I think it's only a matter of time before they find out. What if they bump into their father or mother holding the girlfriend's or boyfriend's hand in public? It would be so painful for them.

“For children aged nine years old and above I would be worried if they catch their other parent redhanded with another person.

“They want to know what is going on at this age and they will really appreciate hearing it from you. What is there to hide when they are this age?”

Filling the gap

Another common mistake is for the single parent to then fill the gap in their hearts and lives with their children alone.

“For most married women, the easiest target is their own children. That's when they emotionally download or they vent out on their children. So, single parents need to be very careful. If they catch themselves doing this, then stop. My solution is to look for somebody else. If you have a therapist, they can be the one you emotionally download on,” she says.

Healing from a marriage breakup or the loss of a spouse takes time. You cannot rush yourself through the process, says Patrick.

She explains that sometimes the fastest way to heal is to do it slowly. She adds that those who want to rush through their grief might be psychologically fleeing from their own pain. To heal the pain, she says, you can't run away from it or hurry it; instead, you need to revisit the pain now and then.

Importantly, she says, single parents need to know that they are not alone. What will set them apart is how they handle the situation. Take responsibility and ownership for your emotions, then move on and build your relationship with your children. And you need to give yourself as much time as you need.