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Published: Sunday December 15, 2013 MYT 12:00:00 AM
Updated: Sunday December 15, 2013 MYT 9:42:48 AM

Dear Thelma: Is it really over?

I DON’T know how to put this in simple words. Let’s just start with how I got together with this guy.

I was having problems with my previous boyfriend, and this guy, A, was always there for me. He is two years younger and we saw each other every day at university. We also texted every day, secretly.

We didn’t plan for this to happen but since it didn’t seem unusual, I talked to him everyday. I did not plan to fall in love with him but eventually, I did.

Women have a soft spot for guys who catch them when they fall. And A happened to be there for me. We talked about his previous relationship, too, and he felt very wretched when his partner left him.

As we talked and became closer, we developed feelings for each other. At least, my feelings were real. A, however, has a female best friend, B, and I knew she had feelings for him, but he didn’t feel the same way for her.

When A told me that he had feelings for me, we continued our relationship. After some time, I managed to tell B about our relationship and B decided to confess her feelings to her best friend. When she did, A felt really, really bad, as he thought they were only friends and didn’t know that B would develop such feelings for him.

He felt guilty over our relationship as B is a very good friend, and had seen him through thick and thin. But the feelings weren’t mutual.

Along the way, A broke up with me, stating that “it was to be fair to all of us”.

I never understood what he meant and never bothered to find out. I felt that if he wanted it this way, so be it. I love him and was sore that the relationship ended, but I didn’t want to fight for something/someone who’s not really all in.

Here, I must make it clear that it was not a rebound relationship (at least not on my part) but I’m not sure about him. He said it wasn’t but a few of his friends told me that he hasn’t gotten over his previous relationship.

We never talked after the break-up. Even though we used to be close friends. It’s been quite a few months and I’m still very much confused over what happened.

Not rebound

AS painful as it sounds, you have to accept that your relationship is over. There should be no confusion there.

You may be overthinking the situation by calling it a rebound for A, though. It sounds more like A just was not ready to be in another relationship.

That may have been due to his not getting over his ex-girlfriend. But, it also sounds like he may have been overwhelmed. Look at it from his point of view: he was trying to pick himself up after a break-up and then he got attention from not one, but two women. And, both these women were important in his life. He obviously counted on you for support and B was his best friend.

I’m not trying to defend his actions. And, his explanations of having to be “fair” does sound dubious. It’s just him trying to understand the confusion around him and trying to exert some control over his life which seemed to have become a roller-coaster.

It does sound like you really liked him. Whether or not you bonded over the bad situations that happened in your life, it seems that you trusted and counted on him quite a bit. So, it must have been painful to have your relationship end like that. Plus, you haven’t had the opportunity to talk to him and process what happened so you don’t even get closure.

Perhaps, when you feel up to it, you will be able to resume contact with him and have a healthy conversation about what happened. Getting a clearer picture of what he was thinking and the reasons for your break-up will help to ease the confusion. It may even help restart your friendship with A. But, all in good time.

Dear Thelma

IS something bothering you? Do you need a listening ear or a shoulder to lean on? Thelma is here to help. Write to Dear Thelma, c/o Star2, Menara Star, 15, Jalan 16/11, 46350 Petaling Jaya, Selangor or e-mail: star2.thelma@thestar.com.my.

Please include your full name and address, and a pseudonym. No private correspondence will be entertained. The Star does not give any warranty on accuracy, completeness, usefulness, fitness for any particular purpose or other assurances as to the o pinions and views expressed in this column. The Star disclaims all responsibility for any losses suffered directly or indirectly arising from reliance on such opinions and views.

Tags / Keywords: Lifestyle, Dear Thelma, over, relationship

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