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Sunday September 15, 2013 MYT 12:00:00 AM
Saturday September 14, 2013 MYT 11:15:55 PM
by dear thelma
I’m in my late 20s. My boyfriend K proposed to me and I’m still not clear on this.
K is my friend V’s nephew and ex-boyfriend. They were in love for a few years but because of a few incidents, both families are not talking to each other anymore.
V said K tried to hurt her and her family found out. Nevertheless, K and V are still in contact secretly.
My troubles started five years ago when I began receiving non-stop phone calls from K. I picked up the calls thinking they might be an emergency, but K ended up proposing to me. I told him it was ridiculous and not to disturb me again.
I felt really bad about it and told V about it after her exams. After that, I tried to contact V many times but go no response. Instead, she told everyone that I love K and that he proposed to me because he wanted to take revenge on her.
I can’t change my number or report this to my family as they are very strict and won’t accept this kind of situation.
My friend V has cut me off just like that for being honest with her. V didn’t even ask me what really happened. K, on the other hand, told me that he is serious about his feelings for me.
I went through hell on earth and no one was there for me. Since I had to solve this on my own, I told K that we would be friends first.
Meanwhile, I asked a friend to ask V why she was ignoring me. V’s answer was that she doesn’t like to talk me anymore because I was talking to K. Once, V messaged me and said that I was a selfish friend.
I explained everything clearly. I even asked V what I should do to prove myself and she replied that there was no need to do anything.
I asked V whether we were still friends but there was no reply from her. I asked my friend to talk to V one last time and if she was still not convinced, then I won’t disturb her anymore. V then told my friend that she had already replied, “Of course”, which was a lie.
V has even said that K is taking advantage of my innocence and that he had threatened to destroy my life if V left K. V asked my friend to keep this from me. I asked K about it and he said none of V’s accusations were true.
From that day onwards, I didn’t contact or talk about V. It’s been five years now. Deep in my heart, whatever happened just kills me. It’s a miracle that I’m still alive.
K is a good friend and treats me well. He checks on me often to see if I’m OK, watches out for me and wants the best for me. I can feel his love for me is true. So far nothing seems wrong with K.
I don’t know why, but I feel guilty. I have known V since primary school but we became quite close when we sat next to each other in Lower Six.
At that time, K was just an acquaintance but V knew all about me. I’m V’s friend, I give priority to my friendship but what made her dislike me? Did I really make a mistake or betray our friendship?
It’s hard to decide on K’s proposal with this guilty feeling inside.
One of the first things that may help in your situation is to put things in perspective. When we are going through tough times, it is easy to see ourselves as victims and being helpless. This is not the most helpful thing, however, as we are rarely helpless.
Language constructs the world we live in and does the same for our perspective. You say that you went through “hell on earth” and that what happened “killed you” and that “it is a miracle you are still alive”.
As much as you were in anguish, can you honestly say that there was actual danger to your life?
Maybe with all the emotions you were going through you may have contemplated suicide. But is a misunderstanding like this worthy of you taking your life and causing grief to your loved ones?
Yes, it sometimes seems like our world is crashing down around us. At times like these, it is good to stop for a while and think.
An easy thing to do is to measure the seriousness of what you are going through. Try and place it on a scale of one to 10 – where 0 means it is really not a problem and 10 is the worst
case scenario and there is a possibility that
you could die.
In most cases, you will rarely scale the problem at anything past five. If it was at a 10, then you would probably need serious medical attention.
Now, after putting the situation in perspective, it may be good to identify what the actual problem is. It seems to be a situation of an immature and non-understanding friend. She cannot accept that her ex-boyfriend has moved on. And, she chooses to punish your friendship as payback.
How important is this friend to you? You were close in school. But, you are past that now. It has been five years and she has obviously not cared enough for your friendship to want to try and make amends. Why are you holding on?
V’s relationship with K ended and then K confessed his feelings for you. There does not seem to be any cheating involved. So, where does the guilt come in?
As an adult, V should have accepted that her relationship ended. If she wanted to try again with K, then she should have talked to him about it. She did not. Instead, she wanted the world to see how bad a person K was. This is vindictive and childish.
It seems that you did your best to try and protect your friendship with V. The time has now come to say goodbye to the friendship that once was and move on with your life without V in it. Mourn the friendship that you have lost and move on with your life.
If K is as great a person as you say he is, then what are you waiting for? You don’t need V’s approval; just the blessings of your loved ones.
IS something bothering you? Do you need a listening ear or a shoulder to lean on?
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