There is a fine line between bossiness and leadership. A bossy kid will always want her way and will throw tantrums and sulk to get it. If the bossiness is not addressed, the kid might grow up to have social problems, is defiant and could have issues with her parents.
Clinical and educational psychologist Selina Ding says that bossiness is something that children learn from adults in their environment. It is not something they are born with as it is not genetic.
“If they are given the chance to act bossy or if everyone gives in to the child, the child will turn bossy,” says Ding.
Signs of bossiness
A child who is bossy will throw tantrums, insist on getting her way, whether it's right or wrong. This child won't listen to reason and might even not want to go to school because she has no friends. After all, who wants to be friends with a girl who demands her way all the time?
The child might be bossy with the parents, friends at school, or even the helper at home.
Ding gives the example of a child who is enrolled in one kindergarten and says she doesn't want to go to this kindergarten. The parents decide to pull her out and put her in another kindergarten.
The same thing happens with the clothes she wears and the food she eats. The child constantly demands her way and the parents keep giving in.
So, when the child enters college and is supposed to do her foundation year, she doesn't want to put in effort and starts to blame everyone.
“When they grow up, bossy kids start to blame others for everything instead of looking at themselves.
“They are so used to people pleasing them all the time that they don't know how to please others. If others do not follow their way, they will blame others.
“Bossy kids also tend to be egoistic and can't take losing very well. Let's say the child is intelligent, and all the while has been getting straight A's. When the studies get tougher and she starts getting B's, she will start blaming everyone – the parents for not supporting her, the teachers for not being good, and the situation.
“But, the truth is she never put in the effort to improve herself,” explains Ding.
While Ding admits it is possible for bossy children to turn into bullies, she says it doesn't necessarily happen.
Bossiness vs leadership?
Bossiness should not be confused with leadership skills. A child who is good at instructing other kids may be seen as being bossy, but may actually be exhibiting leadership skills.
“A child with leadership skills accepts reasoning well and the child will not simply throw tantrums. And, naturally people will follow and obey this child because she really knows how to lead the group.”
The teachers and parents will know if the child is bossy from talking to her. If she can't be reasoned with and always wants her way, then she is bossy.
“Being a leader and being bossy are different. A child who is bossy will complain when things are not done her way, and she might try to get others to boycott the project if it's not done her way. But if you give her the responsibility of deciding how to do things, she might not be able to take it.”
Ding explains that leadership can be a trait that a child is born with or it can be learned from the environment.
“A lot of people have leadership skills but they are not bossy. Bossiness also comes with ego. It's good to have an ego but if the ego is too big, that means that you become very snobbish. That's why you want everyone to listen to you and you want your own way.”
Reasons for bossiness
Does bossiness stem from a need for attention or some insecurity?
According to Ding, it really depends on the individual. One reason could be self-esteem and a need for attention. Another reason could be that the child has been bullied or suppressed so she learns to act this way to gain control. It's a way to help her cope.
It could also be that the child comes from a family or home situation where many adults “share” in her upbringing. This results in the child frequently getting what she wants, if not from the parents, then from the aunts, uncles or grandparents.
What to do
Children should be encouraged to have good self-esteem and taught to protect themselves from being bullied, or to be nurtured so that they can make better decisions in life, but it should never override others' rights, because then they become bossy.
Ultimately, the people around them may not tolerate their behaviour.
“If it hasn't gone to an advanced stage and the parents notice the child is bossing others around, then parents can step in and explain to the child and try to stop the bossiness. If they can't cope, they should consult a psychologist.
“If it's a self-esteem issue, then we will teach the child how to regain their self-confidence. People with low self-esteem cannot take criticism very well. They are very sensitive. Either they will sulk or pick on others. Once we start working on their self-esteem, they will know how to regulate their emotions. Once they know how to do this, they can regulate their behaviour,” she says.
According to Ding, it would help to take the child for play dates when she is a toddler as this helps the child learn to share and play with other kids. She stresses that some guidance from parents is needed on how to play and share.
Parents also need to instil moral values when they play.
Ding explains that bossy children are very domineering and they will often find that the other kids don't want to play with them.
“Bossy kids can be very lonely. If their parents are well off, they might buy expensive items for the children around them or even give money just to get friends. It works but their friends aren't genuine,” says Ding.
She believes that the best way to help bossy kids is to sit down and ask them what they want. The answers would translate to the child's needs.
“When you help the child achieve those needs, then only they will start to change.
“When people are angry, it is hard to reason with them. When they are so egoistic that it becomes their personality trait, it is hard to change. So, if we talk to them and tell them that they should change, it won't work. You need to let the child feel it and experience it to learn,” says Ding.
Turning things around
According to her, with good guidance from parents, bossiness can be turned into leadership.
Parents can do this by teaching behaviour modification – work on their self-esteem, empathy and inter-personal skills.
At the end of the day, parents really need to find out the root cause of the bossiness – be it self-esteem, need for attention, or something the child has learnt from the behaviour of those around her.
Addressing the issue when the child is young is best as this is when the child is more easily influenced.
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