The challenges of raising children are daunting, more so if you and your spouse are deaf and your children are not.
Administrative and HR officer Jocephyne Yap, 55, and her supervisor husband Charlie Wong, 52, were ecstatic when they found out they were expecting their first child 23 years ago. They never wondered about the consequences should their child be deaf or hearing. They just wanted to have a healthy child.
“I just wished to have a happy family, leaving footprints of our intangible love for them and hoped that they would do well in whatever they aimed for. Children are a godsend and a blessing. We were just grateful to have them, whether they were deaf or hearing,” says Jo.
Jo and Charlie were blessed with a healthy baby boy, whom they named Caleb. Initially, they faced problems trying to breastfeed – Charlie's mum was against it, fearing that Jo's deafness would go to the child through the breast milk.
It took time and a lot of explaining before his mum accepted that it was not possible for a child to go deaf that way.
At that time, Jo and Charlie were blessed to have his mum staying with them. She helped to take care of the baby.
At night, the baby's cot was next to their bed and Jo made sure her hand was over the cot so that she could feel the vibrations should baby cry.
“To help, my mother-in-law, who is not deaf, slept in the next room,” says Jo, who can read lips, speak and sign. If Jo failed to wake up, her mother-in-law would alert them that the baby was crying.
Jo used the same system for her next two children – son Joshua and daughter Jolie.
“I was happy to find out they were all hearing. We could teach them another language – sign. They would learn to cope with us as deaf parents and indirectly understand the deaf community as well. But, I was sad knowing that I would never be able to hear their voices, let alone the words 'I love you' coming from their lips.”
Communication
When they were small, Jo was working at a school for deaf children. In the mornings, her mother-in-law would take care of the kids and in the afternoons, Jo would return home and take over.
With her mum-in-law around, the kids also learnt to communicate in Mandarin and Hakka. As there was no way for her to tell if the kids were pronouncing words correctly, Jo had to rely on her support system to check on the kids.
Knowing that both their parents are deaf, the children didn't understand why their mother could talk but their dad couldn't.
“They would ask me how come dad can't talk but I can, when in fact we are both deaf.
“I explained to them that I was not born deaf. There was a hole in my eardrum. The problems with my hearing started at age seven in one ear, and it was only detected that I had a hole in the eardrum at age 12. By age 17, I had lost my hearing in one ear and by 19 I had lost my hearing in the other ear.
“My husband Charlie, on the other hand, lost his hearing at age three after having high fever.”
Jo says it was easy teaching her children sign language. They picked it up quickly, just like any other language.
However, as their sign language was limited, communicating would be quite frustrating for the family. They still sometimes had to write down words on paper.
Locating the kids
While communication wasn't always smooth sailing, it was tough on Jo and Charlie when they took the kids out when they were toddlers.
There were times that the children stepped away from their parents and hid among the racks of clothes. Not being able to hear the kids made it hard to find them.
“The next time we went shopping, we would not take all three of them with us. We explained to them it was because they wouldn't pay attention to dad when he told them not to run around.
“After that they promised to be good and listen to their dad. When they grew up and were much better behaved, it was easier,” explains Jo.
Adapting to school
Jo and Charlie's kids were never embarrassed of their parents. In fact, the children would proudly tell their teachers and friends that their parents are deaf.
At parent-teacher meetings, the kids would also help to interpret for both parties.
“Our children have never been shy to say that their parents are deaf. For me, there has never been a problem communicating with their teachers and friends because I talk a lot.
“When they have to interpret what the teachers say, they tell us everything, even if it's not all good,” explains Jo.
Misunderstandings
Today, the children communicate in five languages – English, Malay, sign, Mandarin and Hakka.
While it is great that the children can sign, this also means that they would be able to understand any private conversations between their parents. As such, Jo and Charlie make sure their private conversations are held behind a closed bedroom door.
Although a pen and paper are no longer needed, communication breakdown still happens.
“Then we end up arguing for the wrong reason. This is when I make everyone calm down and discuss the issue. Then we analyse the situation using the five W's (what, where, why, when and which) so as not to repeat the same mistake,” explains Jo, who is currently pursuing counselling studies and helps to counsel deaf couples.
Conclusion
Their eldest, Caleb, 22, is now a third-year engineering student in Universiti Malaya. Joshua, 20, is in his first year of engineering at Universiti Teknikal Malaysia, Malacca. And, Jolie, 18, is in her first year studying business management at Inti International University, Nilai.
Jo says being deaf and having hearing children has its pros and cons. While they are good interpreters, it is a challenge as deaf parents raising successful hearing individuals. Plus, it is hard to check the kids for their pronunciation of words and heartbreaking that you never get to hear your own children's voices.
On her parting advice to deaf parents who find themselves in the same situation, Jo says, “Don’t discriminate your disability to raise them. Where there is a will, there is a way. Live within your means. Appreciate and get help when you can, whether from family or friends. Don’t spark a fire, argue or fight in front of your children, and it’s best to have a roundtable family discussion for solutions.”
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