For toddlers who are used to being the centre of their parents’ universe, the arrival of another child can be a little scary. More often than not, these kids aren’t too keen about welcoming a little brother or sister into the family, especially one who would potentially deny them of mummy’s full attention.
“Some children see it as ‘their love being taken away’,” says marriage and family therapist Ivy Tan, 31. “It’s very common for an older child to feel like he has to rival for his parents’ attention now that he’s no longer the only ‘baby’ in the family.”
“My daughter became really clingy around the time I was pregnant with my second one. She’s always been attached to me but she suddenly developed this need to be carried, and I had to do that when I came home from work. That went on throughout my entire pregnancy,” says administrative manager Chi Min Yin, 34, who believes in preparing her child for the arrival of siblings.
“The key here is to help your child understand what’s going on. Try engaging him in the pregnancy – get him to go to checkups with you; have him pick out baby clothes. Reviewing old baby photos is also a good way of getting him to relate to his past experiences and memories of when he was born.
“Guiding a child to relate better to the coming of a new sibling will help decrease any notions of rivalry that may crop up later on,” advises Tan, who counsels children and families at the Shine Guidance Centre in Jaya One, Selangor.
Reassuring the child
Chi made a conscious effort to ensure that her then-three-year-old daughter Tan Le See wouldn’t be anxious about her new sibling’s arrival, and so she got her involved from day one of her pregnancy.
“We brought her along for every checkup and she could see for herself the baby growing day by day. She was really curious and asked questions like: ‘Why is the baby so small?’ Bit by bit I explained things to her. Every day I told her how much I love her, and how important it is for her to love her new brother or sister, too.”
Le See did have an inkling of what it felt like to be an older sister.
“She has a younger cousin she plays with, so she knew what to expect. In fact, she was really looking forward to the new baby. We just had to get her to accept that the baby is now her own di di (younger brother),” Chi shares.
Tiny Le See was given the task to help choose a welcoming present for her baby brother, Le Kang. Chi also secretly bought her daughter a gift, a strategy to reassure her daughter that she learned from her many parenting reads.
“On the morning that I delivered, I told my husband to bring along the gift to the hospital. We gave my daughter the gift and said: ‘This is from your di di.’ She was delighted. My husband told me she had been really anxious about the gift that she had chosen for her di di, and kept reminding him to bring it along to the hospital. So, it was really a nice surprise for her to have gotten her own present.”
Even after ensuring that the first meeting between her children went well, Chi left nothing to chance. She made sure her daughter did not feel neglected while everyone’s attention was on the new baby.
“During my pregnancy, I had accumulated over 20 small gifts for Le See. When my friends came to visit during my confinement period, I quietly passed gifts to them to give to my daughter during my son’s full moon celebration. I didn’t want Le See to feel like my friends and relatives no longer paid any attention to her.”
According to Tan, the gifts are a good form of distraction to help alleviate a child’s anxiety about the need to start competing for attention with a younger sibling.
“It helps to normalise the situation for the child. Visitors tend to make a beeline for the newest addition to the family, and that sudden change can be quite upsetting to a kid. Getting your friends and relatives to acknowledge your older child first, perhaps with a gift, will certainly help to make him feel less left out,” she explains.
Mummy’s little helper
Despite all the hard work you may have put in to handle your child’s emotions prior to the big day, the real challenge begins when the novelty of having a younger sibling wears off. The change in daily routine which now includes sharing mummy’s attention can be upsetting for the elder sibling.
During the few months after her second child was born, Chi could see her daughter experiencing her first bout of ups and downs. “She had to adjust to having a younger brother and that mummy could no longer pay her 100% attention."
Le See rarely threw tantrums, but she was so stressed out she started having constipation, an old health problem that she had not had for a while. So, Chi got Le See even more involved in caring for the baby; she became mummy’s “little helper”.
“She was very caring towards the baby. I got her to hand me diapers, milk bottles and cotton buds. Every moment that she could get, she’d be beside the cot, curiously staring at her brother,” recalls Chi, who is now a proud mother of three. Le See is six, younger brother Le Kang is three-and-a-half and their youngest brother Le Tao is a year old.
Tan believes that it’s good practice to have your older child participate in caring for the baby. “It teaches responsibility and will make him feel as though he is in it together with mummy.”
Overcoming resentment
Despite the best efforts, sometimes accepting a sibling takes time. Then-four-year-old Hanafi Hasrat refused to go near his brother Hambali initially.
“He became increasingly stubborn – I think it was his way of acting out. It took some coaxing but I’d say he finally gave in to the baby’s cute ways. His brother was also a really good baby and rarely cried so I believe that’s when he realised that babies are not so bad after all,” recalls their mother Hanizawati Jamaludin, 37.
The freelance childbirth educator and baby signs instructor had done the necessary to prepare Hanafi for his new sibling.
“I brought him a long to the checkups during my pregnancy, got him to feel my stomach whenever the baby’s kicking, answered his curious questions of ‘Where do babies come from?’. I also read him I’m A Big Brother, which is a great book that talks about how older brothers could help mummy with the new baby. I started making it a point to buy him books that talk about siblings so that he could relate better to the situation,” reveals Hanizawati.
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