Parents and adolescents sometimes find themselves in conflict when communicating. It could result in the child not talking to the parent. Or it could get to the point where all conversations erupt into arguments and screaming matches. What can a parent do when they just can't talk to their child?
Authors, trainers and husband and wife team, Jamilah Samian and Ahmad Fakhri Hamzah, share their thoughts on how parents can overcome conflicts and the problem of the child who doesn't want to talk to you.
They're not kids anymore
Jamilah says that parents sometimes forget that the children are growing up and continue talking to them as if they are still toddlers or preschoolers.
“Over time, we develop certain patterns of talking with each of our children. Sometimes we have a habit of maintaining that pattern regardless of the fact that they are growing and changing. Children are always changing and we may not be aware of that change, so we stick to our old style, which might not be suitable for their developmental stage. Actually, the more they grow up, the less we should talk and the more we listen.
“In the beginning, when they are small, we set the rules and tell them what to do. But it should be done less and less as they grow up because as they grow up they need autonomy and they need to think for themselves. At some point in time, they might feel too much pressure is being put on them,” says Jamilah.
Non-approachable dad
Ahmad adds that sometimes dads appear to be unapproachable, especially if he is an authority figure and uses fewer words and a firm tone.
“If you have not inculcated a culture of communication, it will be tough to now speak to your children. This is exacerbated if, because of work pressure, you work from morning to night. When do you have time to speak to your children? If that has been going on, your children won't feel the relationship as there is no more connection.
“It's a phenomenon that fathers have so many things clouding their brain and that's why they become blinkered and don't really communicate with their children.
“Parents are not taking that conscious effort. Sometimes they think because they are older and they brought the child into the world, the child therefore needs to respect and listen to what they say, and not the other way around,” says Ahmad.
He's not talking to me
According to Jamilah, parents sometimes make the mistake of assuming that everything is all right and that the kids are big enough to solve their own problems, even if the child is suddenly not talking to them.
It could be that the child has tried talking to you but you brushed it off.
If that is the case, the child might not want to bring his or her problems to you.
“Your initial reaction to what he says may make him think many times before he brings up the subject again. While you don't want to go to one extreme of not caring, you also need to be careful not to go to the other extreme where you care too much about something to the point of being overly involved or intrusive. This will make your child feel uneasy, because they do want and need to have autonomy,” she says.
However, it could also just be the child's nature to keep things to themselves.
According to Jamilah, some adolescents go through a period where they keep to themselves because they are trying to find their own identity and doing a lot of self-reflection; he or she might want to resolve problems and issues himself or herself.
When to probe and when to let it go?
Rather than questioning what is the problem, parents can just spend time with that child and talk to them casually about other things. If the child wants to talk about the problem, he or she probably will during the time spent together.
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