Young adults revisit bullying experience

Bullying doesn't end when a child graduates from school. The effects and emotional and psychological scars remain with the victims for many years.

It can still be painful for some to look back while others either deny what they have been through or the severity of it.

Two young adults have taken the courage to reminisce their past to share how bullying took place in their lives when they were in school and how they view it today.

Aziem (not his real name), 26 years old, is currently working in Sabah. He studied in a technical school in his upper secondary years.

“I never encountered bullying directly but I saw it with my own eyes. Some of my friends were bullied in the dormitory such as in the rooms, shower rooms, dining hall and the preparation room. It was called 'ragging' then.

“In the technical school, there are only two batches - the form four (junior) and form five (senior) students. The bullies were usually the senior students. In fact, some of these seniors thought that ragging the juniors was compulsory.

“I saw someone shouting at my friend for no obvious reason. In another incident, my friend was being directed to blow at a still fan until the blades spun. He could not stop blowing because the blades wouldn't move. Other times, my friends were ordered to do laundry for the seniors,” says Aziem.

Explaining how these bullies acted, Aziem says that they came in a group of no less than three people. The severe kind of ragging usually happened at a particular time such as at dawn or midnight because study time ended then and the dormitory master would be off duty.

“The ragging that occurred at these hours was usually in the form of beating, hitting and humiliating. One of my dorm mates was forced into a dark room and got bashed up by more than 10 senior students. Other forms of 'mild' bullying which were common included getting food and drinks for the bullies. Sometimes, they even snatched other people's food.”

Physical injuries like bruises in the face and body were the usual indications of bullying at the school. Worse cases would be fractured bones. Luckily, throughout Aziem's stay in the school, there were no fatalities due to bullying.

“Normally, the students who became the victims of the bully dared not fight back because the seniors were always in large groups. They remained silent because they were afraid of further bullying. Victims of bullying would become traumatised and withdraw from others after being bullied. It was not hard to understand why they did not like to be in school.

“However, when these victims became seniors, most of them would turn into bullies themselves because they felt the need to take revenge for what had happened to them in the past. They would act in a smaller group of two to three people,” Aziem shares.

He explains that when ragging incidents occurred, he would not do anything because he did not want to risk becoming a target. However, he would recommend that his friends report the bullying to the teachers.

“I was almost a victim of a bully but the ragging I experienced was mild. I believe that my mates who became victims of mild but continuous ragging and those who experienced severe ragging would feel very angry and vengeful.”

Aziem also shares that the bullies had a set of criteria in choosing their victims. “Before they started bullying, they would do some 'experiments' like yelling at that student to see if they were frightened and whether they would follow their orders. If the person did not give in, the chances of him becoming a victim would be low and vice versa. Physically soft, weak and small students would easily become their targets.

“I did tell my close friends or classmates if I got bullied. If the case was more severe, I would definitely have reported it to the teachers. There were also students who told their family members so that the parents would report it to their teachers for further action,” he said.

According to Aziem, action would be taken in most of the reported cases. However, after their punishment period, which was usually in the form of a suspension, some of these bullies would seek vengeance.

For someone who had survived an environment with a ragging culture, Aziem says, “I think that bullying has not been fully curbed in schools. I urge victims to report to their teachers. As for the schools, firm action needs to be taken on those bullies so that they learn it is wrong to bully others.”
 

While bullying may have been associated with boys in the past, today it is rampant among girls, too. Girls tend to bully a little differently, though. Social isolation and relational aggression is the kind of bullying which is not uncommon among girls. The emotional damage caused can be just as painful as physical wounds.

Juliana (not her real name), a 24-year-old secretary in Seremban, first encountered bullying in her primary school days.

“I had not been getting along well with girls since kindergarten. They were the queens in class. Even boys dared not tease them. From then, I had the perception that girls are nasty. They fight if one girl is provoked. The way girls fight is by slapping and boycotting. In my case, I was boycotted by the whole class. I also got slapped and pushed when I was only 10 years old.

“I went to a primary school in Seremban. It all started when I said something 'wrong' to the class monitor. She then asked her gang of friends not to befriend me. The girls went on to forbid the guys from talking to me, too.

“I remember there was one incident when I asked a boy to give me some space to walk past. Not only did he not give way, he pushed me to the table and it hit my stomach. I was in intense pain at that point. At another time, I was slapped by another boy. Those were the worst days in my life. Everyone boycotted me!”

Juliana's experience is an example of how social cruelty leads to a series of bullying because the victim becomes everyone's “common enemy.”

“I didn't tell anyone what I went through. I ran to the back door and cried at the staircase behind it. I didn't really like school.

“It all started with girls, so when I got to know that I was going to an all-girls secondary school after primary, my heart sank.”

During her first year in secondary school, Juliana was boycotted again.

“I used to have a close friend at school, but things changed when she fell in love. She started to ignore me. I tried to tell her that her boyfriend was a gangster. I guess she was so blinded by love that she couldn't take my advice. That difference in our views set us apart but the situation got worse when this girl who was my classmate from primary school (who used to boycott me along with the others) backstabbed me. Not only was she a hypocrite, she tried to snatch my close friends away from me.

“This time, the whole gang did not talk to me. They laughed at me whenever I passed by and called me funny names. I had to apologise twice - once in primary school and another time in secondary school in order for them to stop bullying.

“Since then, I have put up a 'wall' around me. I did not talk to anyone after that except my own classmates. Even when I was with my classmates, I would sit and read on my own. I avoided blending in, gossiping and giggling with the others. I thought I would just put on a stone cold face until I was able to graduate peacefully. This 'wall' was like my protection, to show people that they shouldn't approach me and talk to me. If I did not talk so much, I would surely do no wrong. That was how I protected myself from being bullied again.”

Like most bullying victims, Juliana did not speak a word about these encounters to her parents. She did not think they could help her and from experience, she did not think her parents would sympathise with her.

Despite being hurt, Juliana moved on with her life. Her experiences had shaped her beliefs. Today, she admits that she cannot mix well with girls.

“If I could change one thing in my life it would be that I could get on better with girls. I'm quite envious of those girls who have girls' night out and picture-taking sessions ….”

Having survived the dark periods of her life, Juliana learned to view life in a different light. “For those being bullied, be strong. Don't bother about those who bully you. Be yourself. Someone out there appreciates you,” she advises.

The longer the bullying goes on, the worse it is for the child – not just while he or she is in school, but also in the long-term. Bullying isn't something that goes away. Victims live with the bad memories, resentment, anger and distrust for many years after that.

If you suspect your child is being bullied or if your child is a bully, or even if you know someone else who is being bullied, report it to the school as soon as possible.

Parents and kids can help stop bullying. Victims need not feel ashamed of what they have been through. The sooner the bullying stops and the healing begins, the better it is for the victims and hopefully the damage will be less.