Does your child refuse to wear generic brands, pleading instead for branded goods? Must your son's shoes be the latest Nikes? Is your daughter constantly bugging you to buy her the latest Guess or Zara apparel?
Is he or she influenced by the media and peers to want branded clothes and toys?
HELP University lecturer and developmental psychologist Alex Lui believes that it's all about the values that parents inculcate in their children.
“For me, at the end of the day, it's what values parents actually convey to their kids that actually determines whether or not their kids will be brand-conscious. If you are a parent who is constanly talking about buying new things and getting a new car, where you should go and eat, what branded dress you should wear – obviously, your child will learn from you.
“In psychology, we talk about modelling and how kids learn most things from observing. In fact, telling them is not as effective as them observing you doing something. That's natural for kids. When they play, they always play things that they see adults do. When they see their mother cook, they will play 'masak-masak' (cooking). When they see their parents go to work, part of their play will include pretending to go to work.
“If the parents themselves are very materialistic and all they talk about is earning money, of course, the children will pick up from them. It would be very strange for parents to tell their kids not to be materialistic if they themselves are so concerned about material goods and have to work late to make more money.
“All of this actually indirectly conveys certain values to kids,” says Lui.
If the children are adolescents, then it would also depend on their peers. If they happen to mix with friends who are very materialistic and very conscious about how they look and what they wear, then the child will most probably be drawn into that world.
Peer pressure with regards to dressing would be more prominent at private and international schools where everyone can afford to buy branded products and families travel abroad on their semester breaks, informs Lui.
He believes that part of the blame must rest with parents who give their kids a lot of pocket money as compensation for not having more time to spend with them.
Lui explains that 30-40 years ago, children used to help with their parents' business and that's where the parent had a greater influence on their child because they used to spend more time together.
These days, this is not the case and often by the time parents come home from work it is late and thus not enough time is being spent with the kids. If you only spend an hour or less with your child every day, how can you influence him or her?
Media influence
He admits that teaching kids not to be brand-conscious and materialistic is easier said than done seeing as society and the media are constantly bombarding us with brands.
“Everywhere you look, advertisements tell you that if you don't have this or that, you are less than normal or you won't have what you should have. We are bombarded daily with these advertisements that tell us we are inadequate. It's also about the value of society, if we look at the bigger picture. In that way, society sometimes makes us think we need things that we don't really need,” he adds.
Self-value
However, Lui notes that not all teenagers are like that.
He explains that there are teenagers who are not bothered about fashion, dressing and brand names, but are more concerned with computer games and sports. Because these groups of teenagers are confident about their skills, they tend to be less concerned with their image.
“Most teenagers who do not follow their peers have a very strong self-concept. Their values of their self-worth are not inherent in things or how they impress others. Their values are within themselves. They know that they are, for example, a person who is caring and loving; they obey their parents and are responsible; they are hardworking and do well academically; or are good in sports,” says Lui.
He explains that kids who have self-worth values inherent in themselves do not tend to want to match up to what other people have.
He believes that it is those who do not have all these things who feel they need to build up their esteem in other ways, externally.
Start early
“Personally, I think if you want to teach your kids you need to start early. If you want to start correcting them when they are in their teenage years, it is going to be very difficult. There's definitely going to be a war because all this while you have allowed them to do what they want without any restrictions, and now all of a sudden you want to impose certain restrictions. Of course, they will ask 'why now?' It's very crucial that parents start from very early in conveying the right values.
“If the child is already an adolescent it's not too late but it's going to be difficult for you to actually change their behaviour. Firstly, I think the parents' values have to change first. You cannot tell your son to change, if your own values still remain the same.
“If you still think that money is the most important thing, that your car reflects your status, you can't expect your child not to have the same values. That's the hardest part for parents. They want their children to change but they themselves find it very difficult to change,” says Lui.
He explains that change must start with the parents and this should start when the kids are still young.
This is when parents can instil the right values in them and say “No” to buying branded goods for the sake of buying branded goods. Lui informs that it is also important to know when to say “No” to kids.
“If you have not had boundaries for the child from small, it will be hard when you try to say no to them now,” says Lui.
He informs that sometimes the dressing and brand-consciousness may just be a passing phase. For boys, a lot of times behaviour problems are just a passing phase.
“I think research has also shown that the teenage brain is not fully developed and it will reach a point in time when suddenly everything just falls in place,” explains Lui.
Parents should also not be insecure and give in to their children's demands for branded goods. Lui explains that sometimes parents give in because they don't want to lose the love of their teenagers.
“That's where I think the bonding needs to come in. If you are not sure your kids will still love you if you say no, obviously, there's something wrong with the relationship. Being able to say no and not being afraid that the kids will not love you or will hate you is something that parents need to develop,” says Lui.
What parents can do
What can parents do about brand-conscious kids?
“Firstly, I think parents have to lead the way by showing that valuing yourself is more important. Wearing the clothes that show off your status doesn't really reflect you at the end of the day. Parents can also help the child feel good about himself or herself without trying to match up to their friends; give them their personal worth. I think sometimes parents forget that kids sometimes need to be reassured of their worth especially during the adolescent stage when they are searching for their identity. Nobody wants to feel like a nobody. They always want to feel like they are somebody. So, building self-esteem is very important.
“Parents can reassure their kids that they are still loved in spite of their not being the best student and not good at sports. You can tell them that you just love them because they are your children. So, they don't feel like they need to match up to what the other kids are doing and wearing,” says Lui.
Parents can also remind kids of their strengths and that their value does not lie in their clothes or material goods that they have.
Bonding time
He advocates parents spending more time with their children.
“Generally, we don't work for the sake of working. We work for the sake of our family. Why do people struggle at work and come home at 10pm? Because they want to provide for their family. At the end of the day, parents just don't have enough time to spend with their kids. If you can't spend time with them, they will find other sources of human connection. And, where else would they get it from than their friends? At the end of the day, if you spend less time with your kids, compared to the time that your kids spend with their friends, who has more influence on them?
“Parents might say that kids don't want to spend time with them but isn't it because they are hardly there? Even if they are there, what do they do with their kids? They spend time telling their kids what to do. That's not spending time. Spending time with your kids is just sitting down with them, watching a movie with them, even if you don't like it, and sharing something personal with them. How much do you actually know your child at the end of the day? Do you even know what their favourite comic character is?
“It's important for kids to know that you're not just interested in what they can do or what they can achieve, but interested in them. Are you interested in the child himself, regardless of what he can do?” says Lui.
Work for it
He agrees that parents can try asking their kids to work part-time to earn the money to buy whatever branded goods they want, but he advises caution.
If your kids find ways to make money, they may wonder why they need you anymore or why they need to go to school, for that matter. They will think they are independent and don't need their parents.
“It's good if you want to teach them things like responsibility, that money doesn't fall from the sky and things like that, but you have to know how to do it because sometimes it can get out of hand. It might be worse if they realise they can earn money without even studying!”
Lui reminds parents to make sure they convey the right message. Sometimes you might want to convey one message but they understand another message. This is where communication comes in. If you do something and don't explain to your child why it's being done, the wrong message might go across.
Conclusion
Most teenagers go through a phase of wanting things that their friends have – whether it's an iPad, a Swatch watch or the latest Guess jeans.
While you don't want to say no all the time, you also don't have to say yes most of the time.
The trick is having a balance in your family life and how you bring up your kids. If they really have a good reason for needing an iPad, it will be hard to say no. However, parents should also ensure it is then used for the purpose that it was bought.
Parents might use these expensive items as “gifts” to reward good behaviour or outstanding achievements ... now and then. Don't use it as a barter trade. For example, it's better to give them that watch or pair of jeans because they went out of their way to help someone without being told to do so, not because you promised them the item if they did it.
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