Children can learn from a very young age that there are ways of solving difficulties without resorting to fighting or hitting the other party. Families today are stressed by the demands of life. Many parents tend to use the fastest means available, either by force or bribes.
Talking it out is hardly popular with those who believe children are too young to learn peaceful conflict management.
Children begin to learn about their behaviour and that of others from the moment they interact with their caregivers. They pick up social nuances from adults. They learn what response is approved and what is not. Babies pick up the tone of your voice and your facial expression to figure out if something is right or wrong. Toddlers imitate their parents’ behaviour.
Do not yell at your child when he upsets you. Your baby or toddler may not know exactly what you are yelling about but he sure knows that this is how you react when you are not happy. You are your child’s role model. Show your child how you want him to act.
I remember my younger daughter, when she was only four, commenting: “If parents scold children, children will not listen to them. Talk properly.”
Children know better about using a calm and gentle voice to talk when there is tension between people.
When a 16-month-old boy hit me with his hands, I told him that hurt and showed him how he could use his hands to gently touch me without hurting. He became aware that I did not approve of hitting but I didn’t mind his gentle touch. I had to repeat the same behaviour several times before he acted accordingly.
Children need to understand that problems can be resolved without getting angry and hurting one another. Peace means working together to resolve conflicts. We can talk about it or show it rather than blaming others for what we are upset about.
It is always easier to blame others when something goes wrong. Parents can stop this blame game by owning up to what they have done wrong. For example, if you have forgotten about something you promised to do, admit to your child along with an apology.
Use more “I” messages with your children. When you are angry, say: “I am angry because I did not listen properly before I acted,” rather than: “You were a naughty boy, you made Mama angry.”
Instead of asking your child: “What is wrong?” when he fusses or cries, try changing it to: “How can I help you feel better?”
The choice of words can make a world of difference even to a young baby or a toddler. Offering your help is more positive than just finding out what is wrong with the child.
Tell your child what he needs when he is upset. Children are not as aware of their needs as adults do. Usually, conflict arises when someone’s needs are not attended to or his boundaries are invaded.
Young children can get aggressive. They may hit, push, bite or pull others, or throw tantrums. It is part of their normal development. What parents should do is not to allow them to keep on doing this. More time should be spent on helping them learn ways to calm themselves down instead of just punishing them for misbehaviour or allowing it to happen because they are still young. Guide them in knowing the right words to express themselves. Be their spokesman when they cannot speak for themselves as yet.
There are trying moments when dealing with babies and toddlers. They may not grasp what you want them to do as fast as you’d like. When the things get rough and out of control, parents feeling harassed should take a break. Cool off before you face your young child. Tell him that everyone needs to take a breather when they find themselves very angry and at a loss for words.
Identify your children’s feelings with the proper terms. Say “You are upset because you have a soiled diaper; it makes you feel uncomfortable,” or “You are happy after a hearty meal.”
Hearing these words spoken in their daily lives, young children will grow in understanding how respect keeps the family in harmony and love.
Ruth Liew is a child developmentalist, Montessori trainer and examiner. A mother of two teenage daughters, she is committed to supporting children’s rights.
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