Teaching kids to take 'No' for an answer

CHILDWISE
By RUTH LIEW

Children need to learn to take ‘No’ for an answer.

I HAVE a comic strip on my fridge door that constantly reminds me of the challenges parents face on a daily basis. Parents find themselves feeling guilty when they have to refuse their children’s requests.

In the illustration, the mother pushing the shopping trolley asks her child: “What is it about ‘No’ that you don’t understand?” The child answers her: “How many times you have to say it until it turns into ‘Yes’.”

Children can be quite persistent when it comes to getting what they want. They will argue, badger, plead, whine, cry and cajole to convince their parents to say “Yes” to them.

Laurie Simons, author of Taking ‘NO’ For An Answer And Other Skills Children Need, reminds us that we have to teach our children to accept “No” for an answer.

She says that children will try all sorts of ways to turn a “NO” into a “Yes”. It is important for them to learn how to cope with frustration, anger and disappointment when they accept a refusal. Equally important in positive parenting is for parents to learn how to say “No” even when they know children will react negatively.

At the checkout counter, while waiting in line, children will keep asking for sweets and chocolates or even bottles of soft drinks. They will cry when parents say “No” to them.

If this should happen, keep moving forward in the line and tell your child: “You do not like it when I refuse to buy you sweets. Even if you cry, I will still have to say No.”

You should also anticipate the commotion at the checkout counter and get your child to agree to buy only one item from the aisles in the supermarket. Another tip is to avoid lining up at counters where they place the sweets, chocolates and chewing gum. I usually choose the ones where they sell batteries.

If your child asks you politely for something that you clearly refuse to give, you can acknowledge her politeness and then let her know that your answer is still “No”. Parents must let children know that when they refuse them, they are doing it in their best interest. No amount of flattery or doing good can make you change your mind.

Children can easily take cues to respond to a situation when they are determined to get what they want. For example, they would ask you for something they know you may say “Yes” to at your busiest moment.

I once took my girls to the TV studio for a recording. As I was about to go on air, my youngest came over and asked me: “May I go over to the souvenir shop to buy potato chips? Much to her surprise, I responded: “No, you may not.”

Some children can really badger their parents to buy them what they want. I have witnessed a mother in a shopping mall looking rather harassed, telling her young daughter to stop making noise.

She said: “OK, no more whining and fussing! I will buy the toy for you. Just this once only!” 

The child learns very quickly that badgering parents in public places is effective.

Make it a rule before going shopping with your children that the trip will be cut short when there are unreasonable requests or misbehaviour. You can offer a small reward when everyone in the family abides by the rules. You can keep reminding them during the shopping trip of the importance of abiding by the rules.

Children also like to use threats to get what they want. Many parents wonder where they pick up such a tactic. Does this sound familiar: “Eat your dinner or else you will get the cane” or “I will not give you any pocket money if you don’t clean your room.”

Children learn that their parents’ threats work on them, so they too will use the same method to get their way.

If you are concerned with your children’s threats such as: “I’ll run away from home if you don’t let me ...” or “I’ll kill myself if you don’t buy me a Playstation,” ask yourself whether your child is generally happy at home. Children use harsh words or make horrible threats because they think these can cause their parents to cave in.

If your child is happy and well-adjusted, these threats are not serious. However, if you suspect your child is depressed over some issues with friends or school grades, you may want to help him deal with the problems that are troubling him.

Stay in control when things get tough with children. If you are refuse to give them what they want because it is the right thing to do, you may not get your reward immediately. But if you stick to your decision, your children will know that you are to be respected for what you believe in.