A child who steals

CHILDWISE
By RUTH LIEW

What to do when your child lies and steals. 

I AM a working parent with a 10-year-old son. He has been stealing money and telling lies. A few months ago, he started to take money without permission. He has repeated this action several times. 

Once he asked me for money to pay for a class outing. I found out later that the school trip was cancelled but he did not inform me about it or return the money to me.  

How can I help my son to stop this habit of stealing and lying? – Upset Mother 

Parents are troubled when their children steal and lie. They worry that such behaviour may eventually lead them to the path of crime and deceit when they grow up.

Fortunately, parents can rest assured that children who occasionally steal and lie, often grow up to be law-abiding citizens.

Children steal for many reasons.

Older children know that stealing and lying are unacceptable and they will be punished if they are caught.

For some children, they steal because they lack attention from their parents.

They may want their parents to take notice of them. When they are caught stealing, they are given the attention they yearn for. In this case, negative attention is better than no attention at all.

Children may also steal because they know they can get away with it. In fact, they find it exciting when they can take what they want without asking.

Parents may even encourage them to do so. Their children may hear them boast about how they managed to pack extra apples in the hypermart without having to pay for them. Or lying about their ages in the restaurants to get free kid’s meals.

Children witness adults cheating, stealing and lying all the time in public places.

Find out the reason why your child is taking money without asking. Is he afraid to ask you for money to buy what he wants?

Sometimes children may have trouble distinguishing between borrowing and stealing.

In the case of the money for a school trip, your son may have reasons to believe that he can use the money given to him since the school trip has been cancelled. Talk to your child about this.

When you talk to your child, examine your responses to him. Do you punish too harshly or humiliate him when he is caught stealing or lying?

To eliminate stealing and lying from your child’s behaviour, you must find a way to reach out to him. Remain calm and stay in control. Getting overly upset or showing your disappointment can instill feelings of guilt in your child.

The worse your son feels, the longer this negative habit may continue.

Your child needs to know how to get the things he wants without stealing or lying. Find out the reasons he needs money.

He can learn to earn the money for the things he wants to buy.

If possible, get him to do chores around the house for a regular income.

Children learn the value of money when they work for it.

Having a regular income also means your child will not have to steal money to get it.

Once you have found out about your son’s lying and stealing, monitor his behaviour and actions closely.

Get to know who his friends are and the activities they are involved in. It is important to know these things as your child’s social circle gets wider and the peer influence gets stronger.

Children have to learn that stealing and lying will only bring about negative consequences.

Parents can correct their behaviour by getting them to make restitution for their acts.

Punishing them for stealing and lying will only stop these acts momentarily. They need to know that stealing and lying only make it worse for them. They have to make up for what they have done.

To apologise, they have to know the appropriate actions to take.

If your child has stolen money, help him find a way to pay back what he has taken.

He can either take it out of his allowance or work to pay off what he owes.

You can tell him that you disapprove of his stealing and lying and that he can apologise by making up for what he has done.

By repaying the stolen money, he is only doing his part to make amends. He will also have to work at regaining your trust.

When he does the right thing, you must remember to praise him. Avoid bringing up the issue of stealing and lying once it is settled. Your child needs to know that he can have a fresh start.

Be a positive role-model for your child.

Parents who value honesty and integrity can help children to have a better understanding of why stealing is wrong.

You can tell your son of the times when honesty has paid off for you. You can share stories with your child on how stealing has caused the breakdown of families and destroyed the lives of loved ones.

Develop a close relationship with your child.

It is known that children who are close to their parents tend to take on their values.

They will also be open with their parents when they are troubled or confused.

Be available to listen and not just to lecture your child.

At your son’s age, he has many questions and needs someone who has the patience and time to help him find those answers.

Sometimes he may not know how to voice his frustration. If you are attentive, you may be able to help him put his feelings into words.