Getting along

CHILDWISE
By RUTH LIEW

Children should be given every opportunity to work out their conflicts. 

CHILDREN learn from experience. At home, siblings will fight with one another. Most times, parents will quickly put an end to it. 

“Say sorry to your sister.” 

“Give him back the toy you snatched.” 

“Stop fighting or I will get the cane.” These are the likely responses from parents when their children fight. However, when parents intervene, neither child gets a chance to decide how he or she should end the fight.

Learning to get along is a long and slow process. As children grow, they will build ideas and try to make sense of what is going on in their lives. Getting children to do non-violence conflict resolution from an early age provides them with life-long skills for negotiation, sharing, caring and peaceful co-existence.

One three-and-a-half-year-old boy once approached me to let me know what was on his mind. He told me with a deadpan look: “I don’t like you.”

I responded with: “Oh, you don’t like working with me.”

I was his class teacher. He paused and said: “No, I don’t like you.”

For a moment, I had to swallow my adult sense of pride before I spoke to him. I asked him why. He told me: “I don’t like the boy who hit me.” It dawned on me that he was referring to an earlier incident when I witnessed another boy in our group hitting him. I realised that he was upset because I did not reprimand the other child. He was complaining that I had not handled the conflict fairly.

The preschooler and I had a short discussion on this incident. We later worked out how we could deal with this conflict between him and the other boy. He felt a lot better after this.

I learned from this little boy how I did not fully address the needs of both children. I told the other boy not to hit him but I did not allow both the aggressor and the victim to work out a way to get along. I was just anxious to keep everything in order and forgot to take the opportunity to show the children how they can learn from the conflict.

When adults intervene in children’s conflicts, they only stop their behaviour. Children do not get a chance to resolve their conflicts on their own by trying out their ideas on cooperation or making a stand for what they feel is right. There is simply not much time and patience given to children to deal with their conflicts on their own terms.

Children benefit a great deal from working out their conflicts. They will try out different approaches to conflicts and find out what works best. They can accept adult advice and suggestions, but they will go through a long process to work it out and modify it to meet their needs.

There are many issues involved when children learn to cooperate. They have to sort out their own feelings and try to understand the feelings of others. They also have to know right from wrong.

In most homes, parents often have unrealistic expectations of how much their child understands and is capable of keeping on the “straight and narrow” path of being good.

Sometimes rules made by adults can be rather ambiguous when it comes to dealing with different individuals. Children can get rather confused and not be able to cope with the demands made by the adults.

Children will fight over the ownership of a toy when the toy changes hands. For example, the rubber duck used to belong to the older child, but now you have decided that the younger child can play with it because the older one has outgrown the toy.

Unwitting you have set the stage for the two siblings to fight for ownership. Unless you have asked the older child’s permission to pass the toy to his younger sibling, this toy is officially still his.

Before you start the process of non-violence conflict resolution with children, gather information on the different strategies that can be used. At different ages and and developmental stages, children have coping skills to work out problems. Unlike adults, children do not only use words in their responses. They can work out their problems in a variety of ways, be it physical, auditory, visual or creative.

For example, one child may like to apologise by saying sorry, while another works better at doing something special for the other child whom he has hurt. A child who is not very good with speech can use non-verbal ways to work out differences with his friends.

Some children need more time to work out their problems. They cannot immediately be expected to feel differently when they are still angry. They still lack self-control and may need some help in working out their negative feelings.

If your child is frustrated, you can ask: “Would you like to feel less frustrated?” Help him to become aware of his feelings first before making any further suggestions. You can tell him that he can run in the garden or punch a pillow to release his frustration. Once he has worked out his frustration, he can begin to find ways to cooperate.

If two children are fighting, help them understand and recognise the problem. Get them to listen to each other. Once each child has had a turn at saying what he or she wants, invite them to give ideas. If they are unable to do so, offer your suggestions. Let them decide on the suggestion that works best for them.

It is important for children to think for themselves and find solutions that work for them. Adults can be their guide in the process. Since children can only focus on one thing at a time, they may forget what happened earlier or lose track of what they are actually working on. Adults can offer help in making children aware of the whole picture as they take one step at a time towards solving their problems.