The right response

CHILDWISE
By RUTH LIEW

I HAVE two boys aged eight-and-a-half, and 12 years old. My youngest boy is already asking me how babies are made. He asked me whether the doctor prescribes medication to a couple when they get married and decide to have a baby.

I need your advice on how to explain to tell him about conception. How much should I reveal to him, and what is suitable for his age?

My eldest son has been reading the newspapers, and asking me what is rape and incest, which he read about. – Concerned Mother

Before you start talking to your primary school-age sons about sex, you need to explore your own attitude. Get your facts right. Do your own research on the topic if you are uncertain.

Use books on this topic to find the age-appropriate words in your discussion with your sons.

Studies have shown that children will share more with their parents on this topic when their fathers and mothers are willing to talk openly and listen carefully to them.

It is important that you understand your sons’ concern. They may also want to know about the changes happening in their own bodies. Know what is going on in school and what their friends are talking about.

You can help your primary-age boys understand more than just the physical aspects of sex. You need to broaden their knowledge on topics such as puberty, sexual responsibility, feelings and relationships.

Sometimes it is awkward for a mother to talk to her pre-teen sons about sex. You need to feel comfortable about the subject before you can talk to them about it. You may want to enlist the help of their father or another male relative or friend to help out in this discussion.

There is no one way of helping your sons understand this topic better. You may have to communicate with them on many different occasions.

You may not have all the answers to your children’s questions. Respond appropriately to them and reassure them that you will help them find the answers.

I HAVE a two-year-old toddler. I am trying to toilet-train him using a potty. When I put the potty in front of him for him to urinate, he will push it away.

On the first day, I did not let him wear a diaper and explained to him that if he needed to pee, he has to let me know. I also tried to take him to the toilet every 20 minutes. But he pushed the potty away.

So I told him to let me know if he needed to pee. This did not work. Accidents happened.

I know he understands what I am saying to him and take instructions well. So I gave up. We are now back to using diapers.

What should I do? Is he not ready to be toilet-trained?

So far, he has been doing his toileting in the diapers. – Worried Mother

It is important to understand that children begin toilet-training at different times. They have to show signs of readiness before toilet-training can even begin. For example, having a dry diaper for increasingly longer periods of time or the child is able to indicate the need to use the potty on his own.

If you try to introduce toilet-training to your child before he is ready, all attempts will be futile. He may feel frightened by your anxiety over this issue. You need to be careful not to force him to use the potty when he does not want to.

To start him on the potty, you must explain to him what he should expect in toilet-training. Allow him many opportunities to practise using the potty.

Show him how to take off his clothes and sitt on the potty when he needs to do his bowel movement. Your child needs to get used to the idea of the potty before even using it.

You may want to show him how the waste in his diaper is transferred to the potty. Be reassuring and patient with your son. He may need time to understand that his pee or poo will be going into the potty instead of the diaper.

Put the potty away when he does not want to use it. It can be some time before he will indicate his readiness for toilet-training. Praise him whenever he makes an attempt at the potty.

Allow accidents to happen without scolding or punishment.

Toilet-training cannot be achieved in one session. It is not how fast you can get your child to use the potty. To be successful in toilet-training, your child has to take the lead role.

Meanwhile, you may want to focus on his other achievements before starting toilet-training again. This way he will feel more confident and happier with the process.