When dad and mum divorce

Divorce and separation is difficult on any parent. In addition to dealing with the break up of your marriage and handling the legal process and your own emotions, there is also the children to think about.

Children usually have mixed feelings towards divorce, says Woo Pei Jun, lecturer/ developmental psychologist at Sunway University College.

According to her, while children may feel sad, some may also feel angry, anxious and relieved at the same time.

“It is very normal for them to have negative and positive feelings. The relief that they feel is due to the end of the shouting and fighting that they would probably have seen in the conflict between mum and dad. They would feel sad because they would no longer see their parents together.”
 

Reactions

With such mixed feelings come mixed reactions as well. While some of the younger children may not want to talk about it because they may not entirely understand what's going on, others might blame themselves.

“Very young children may sometimes overhear perhaps the parents arguing about disciplining issues and they might overhear their name mentioned during an argument. These young children may think they caused the divorce.

“A lot of the younger children have this wishful thinking that if they behave well, maybe mum and dad will get back together. We sometimes see young children saying that.

“For school-going children, sometimes they will act out their aggression – their unhappiness and anger – either towards the custodial parent or it could also be towards their non-custodial parent, the one who is not living with the child anymore. It could be both, depending on who they think is responsible for the divorce.

“Some of them because they don't know how to deal with their feelings of anger may act out their anger in school as well. So, sometimes they fight with other children, lash out at their friends. Those are some of the responses by children.”

Adolescents also have mixture of the same responses. Some don't want to talk about it and act very mature about it all. In their case, the main reason why they don't want to talk about it is because they are afraid that they will be laughed at in school because of the stigma associated with divorce.

Woo says young adolescents may also not want to talk about it if they perceive their friends may not understand the situation and if they think their friends may laugh at them.

There may be cases of drug abuse and delinquency if there is still conflict between the parents and the adolescent thinks that getting into trouble can attract the attention of both their parents.

The child's ability to focus in school will also be affected, especially in the first year of the divorce.

“Before the divorce if the parents are already fighting frequently that's also when the child's focus in school will be affected. And after the divorce, the first year is usually quite difficult for most children to deal with because that is the adjustment period, so to speak.”

According to Woo, besides problems in school, other signs that the child is not adjusting well to the divorce include the child suddenly not going out with their friends, or not wanting to eat, if they lock themselves in their room, or they're no longer interested in the activities that they used to be interested in.

These are all typical signs to look out for.

However, Woo says, these symptoms will pop up in the first few months.

“Parents need to understand it's because the children are adjusting. But if these symptoms prolong that's when parents need to take note and talk with them or see how they can help.

“It's hard to put a timeframe to it but perhaps if after one year the child is still having so much difficulty adjusting then perhaps it's time to look for a counsellor or psychologist in that area,” she advises.

Adjustment period

According to Woo, whether the child adjusts to the divorce depends on a number of factors:

* If there is still ongoing conflict between the parents after the divorce – such as when the parents meet or talk over the phone in discussing the children or when one parent is visiting.