Published: Wednesday January 15, 2014 MYT 12:00:00 AM
Updated: Wednesday January 15, 2014 MYT 7:41:33 AM

Checkmate in '14

The girls think up some fantasy TV chess and don’t even mention the call signs from Combat! because they’re, you know, not that old.

SO, it has been more than a year since we started writing as the Sofa Spudniks, and we thought that the start of 2014 would be a good a time as any to shake things up a little. We’re looking for new ways to tackle television and for this week, we’re setting up our chess pieces.

You know, just in case there’s a paradigm shift of some sort and everyone ends up on a chessboard in TV Land, we know who we’d want on our side. Here are our “teams”.

King

Team AMC: I like my King strong and brooding, able to do what’s right when push comes to shove. Plus, this one will live for a long, long while ... so I choose Eric Northman (Alexander Skarsgård) from True Blood.

Team Indra: I’ve always thought the King to be a handicap more than anything. Kinda like Joffrey Baratheon (Jack Gleeson), the vicious idiot (in the words of Peter Dinklage’s Tyrion Lannister) from Game Of Thrones as my useless King who always needs saving.

Queen

AMC: Almost all the queens I remember were villains like Maleficent, which is so sad. Shouldn’t a queen be the sort who always stands by her King, who’d protect her family and country to the death?

My vote therefore goes to Marge Simpson from The Simpsons. The hair alone should be able to prevent anyone from coming too close.

Indra: Dowager Countess of Grantham (Maggie Smith, Downton Abbey) of course!

She’s so Queen-ly.

Rooks

AMC: Making sure nothing sneaks in surreptitiously forwards, sideways or backwards, the Winchester Brothers from Supernatural (Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki) would be perfect for the job.

Indra: Stoic and powerful ... hmmm, I might just put Alicia Florick (Juliana Margulies) and Cary Agos (Matt Czuchry) from The Good Wife in as my rooks.

Bishops

AMC: Dexter Morgan (Michael C. Hall) of Dexter and Richard Castle (Nathan Fillion) from Castle are my picks for bishops because they are stealthy and always two steps ahead of the rest.

Indra: Olivia Pope (Kerry Washington) and Huck (Guillermo Diaz) from Scandal.

If anyone can fix a problem, it’s these two.

Knights

AMC: Emily Thorne (Emily VanCamp) from Revenge and Patrick Jane (Simon Baker) from The Mentalist; light-years ahead of everyone else playing the game.

Indra: How about Harvey Specter (Gabriel Macht) and Mike Ross (Patrick J. Adams) from Suits? Yeah, I think I might win this game. These boys have swag and they’re pretty smooth with their moves.

Pawns

AMC: I’m going to go for an even mix of genders, but I have strong, dependable sorts willing to take the fall in order to save the throne. Plus, I think I’d like to have a good-looking team of pawns too, just because it’s television. We do want the viewers to have something delicious to look at, right?

So for the guys I have Steve McGarrett (Alex O’Loughlin) from Hawaii Five-0, Peter Bishop (Joshua Jackson) from Fringe, Jack Bauer (Keifer Sutherland) of 24, and Luther (Idris Elba).

And for the girls, I plan to just knock out the opponents with sheer drop-dead sexiness – Joan Harris (Christina Hendricks) from Mad Men, Gloria Delgado-Pritchett (Sofia Vergara) from Modern Family, Penny (Kaley Cuoco) from The Big Bang Theory, and Sookie Stackhouse (Anna Paquin) from True Blood.

Indra: For my infantry, I’d choose Sam and Dean Winchester from Supernatural – I think they make good soldiers. Also, pawns, if they make it to the end of the opponent’s side, can shape-shift and no one knows about shape-shifters like these two.

Joining them would be the five boys from The Big Bang Theory: Sheldon Cooper (Jim Parsons), Leonard Hofstadter (Johnny Galecki), Howard Wolowitz (Simon Helberg), Raj Koothrappali (Kunal Nayar) and Stuart Bloom (Kevin Sussman).

They are in no way soldier material, but we need some pawns to be sacrificed and to create stalemates for the advancement of the game. Plus they should learn how to man up a little.

My last pawn will be Carrie Mathison (Claire Danes, Homeland). She’s steadfast in her duties and is brave. She’ll never be turned and is willing to take a bullet for her leader.

Tags / Keywords: Lifestyle, TV, Sofa Spudniks

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